


The Peck of Owls

by Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku



Series: Great Expectations [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Humor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Papa!Fuku needs a break, my brotp, some shameless references to other anime here and there, these omakes are also canon in GE
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-04 03:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10982697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku/pseuds/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku
Summary: A collection of omakes that happened behind the main storyline of Great Expectations. Enjoy~.(10/30/17) IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY FANFICTION.NET PROFILE!!! I'm really sorry to have to do this to all of you...





	1. Interlude I: Introducing Teddy

**Author's Note:**

> What to expect: Moe!Teddy, Yosano wants to be an Auntie!Akiko, OverprotectiveBro!Kunikida, ForeverAlone!Ranpo, Papa!Fuku wanting to be Grandpa!Fuku
> 
> AN: I was bored and wanted to put this scene in. There will be more to come~
> 
> Tori-chan: For those that don’t know, “tori” means bird. Introducing Snitch the Snidget from PsychAnalyst’s Secret Affairs of fanfiction.net! 
> 
> Quote: "I hereby grand Kuroyuki-Kokuyoku express permission to use Snitch as Jasmine's avian familiar." -PsychAnalyst
> 
> This may be her first appearance thus far, but she’ll eventually show up in Chapter 5 of the main storyline. Not only that, but her role will be expanded in future chapters.
> 
> Omiai: Japanese arranged marriage. It’s normally arranged by parents whose sons and daughter are aged 22-30 and have shown little or no interest in finding a partner of their own. It basically consists of several meetings with potential candidates. Usually, a pair had to make their decision to become engaged or reject the other by the third meeting.
> 
> Edited (5/29/17): Why didn't anyone tell me I was missing a paragraph? (T⌓T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: Moe!Teddy, Yosano wants to be an Auntie!Akiko, OverprotectiveBro!Kunikida, ForeverAlone!Ranpo, Papa!Fuku wanting to be Grandpa!Fuku

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was bored and wanted to put this scene in. There will be more to come~
> 
> Tori-chan: For those that don’t know, “tori” means bird. Introducing Snitch the Snidget from fanfiction.net's PsychAnalyst’s Secret Affairs! 
> 
> Quote: "I hereby grand Kuroyuki-Kokuyoku express permission to use Snitch as Jasmine's avian familiar." -PsychAnalyst
> 
> This may be her first appearance thus far, but she’ll eventually show up in Chapter 5 of the main storyline. Not only that, but her role will be expanded in future chapters.
> 
> Omiai: Japanese arranged marriage. It’s normally arranged by parents whose sons and daughter are aged 22-30 and have shown little or no interest in finding a partner of their own. It basically consists of several meetings with potential candidates. Usually, a pair had to make their decision to become engaged or reject the other by the third meeting.
> 
> Edited (6/19/17)

Yosano Akiko had just come back to from her shopping trip. At this time, the only people in the Armed Detective Agency would be the Director and herself. Everyone else is would either still be working in another room or at their lunch break. She entered the empty office only to spot something unusual

There sitting on Ranpo’s desk was what looked like a fat golden hummingbird. Yosano noticed that underneath where it sat was an envelope with unusual writing on it.

“Eh? What’s this?” The doctor said. Upon seeing Yosano, the bird started cheeping cheerfully and began fluttering bout her head. Ignoring it, Yosano took the envelope and examined it. It was made from parchment, which was very expensive. The writing on it seemed to be a mix of romanji, kanji, and hiragana, and katakana. She could barely make out Ranpo’s name before giving up trying to decode the confusing writing.

The female ability user wondered if this was a trap for the agency’s self-proclaimed “Super Detective”. After all, the Armed Detective Agency has no shortage of enemies waiting to take their revenge against them in some form or another.

Out of paranoia, she opened the envelope expecting it to be a bomb in disguise or a chemical weapon hidden in the paper, only to find that the letter inside was normal. That is if you ignore the fact that it also contained the same migraine-inducing style. Attempting one last time to decode what was written, all she only got the basic gist of the message. Apparently this “JK-chan” wanted to introduce her son to her recipient, in other words, Ranpo. Yosano noticed the mention of Kunikida a few times and also the Director’s name. It could only mean one thing.

“How adorable. Ranpo-san has a girlfriend.” Yosano chuckled quietly to herself then turned to look at the golden bird beside her. “Looks like I have something to tease Ranpo-san about. Eh, Tori-chan?” The bird had gotten bored of being ignored by Yosano and decided to take a nap on Ranpo’s desk. It took its head out from under its wing and simply cheeped at her before going back to sleep.

The doctor was about to replace the letter back inside the envelope until she noticed that she had missed a photo hidden inside. Giving into her curiosity, Yosano took out the photo to take a look.

What she saw made her dissolve into a puddle of goo.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

Ranpo and Kunikida had just returned to the agency after an exhausting case. The taller of the two was writing furiously in his notebook over the setback in his schedule their latest case caused while the shorter man just wanted to kick back, relax, and devour his newly acquired stash of candy in his arms.

Right as they entered through the door, they were suddenly bombarded with the sound of the agency’s sole female detective’s voice.

“RANPO-SAN~! YOUR SON IS SO CUUUUTTTTEE~!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT HIM?!” The woman gushed with glee.

Three things happened at once. Kunikida’s pen snapped in half. Ranpo began choking on his ramune. The Director, who was passing by on the way to his office, heard Yosano’s proclamation and snapped his head towards Ranpo so fast it nearly broke his neck in two.

“YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE ME ASAP!! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AKIKO-OBA-CHAN!!!” Yosano squealed loudly, waving the photo towards the short detective excitedly.

“RANPO-SAN!! IS THIS TRUE!!!” Kunikida boomed over Yosano’s demand.

“…I’m finally a grandfather?” Fukuzawa said, his voice was slightly tinged with hope.

“NO!! I DON’T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!! LET ALONE A KID!!!” Ranpo protested at the top of his lungs.

“Then who is this cutie? He looks awfully like you. Look! Black hair and green eyes.” The sole female ability user of the agency gestured to the photograph she had in her hand.

The three men in the room crowded around the woman to look at the photo of the little boy. The child couldn’t be any older than two years old. He had a wispy mess of black hair covering his head and was looking at the camera with his big green eyes. He was clad in a wolf onesies costume and was giving his best impression of what he thought was a scary growl.

Everyone’s hearts melted at the picture of the adorable puppy.

“CUUUTTEEE~.” Ranpo cooed over the toddler in the image.

“I know, right~! I just want to snuggle up with him and smother him in my arms~!” The twenty-two year old woman said.

Kunikida had to cover up his mouth to prevent himself from letting out an unmanly squeal at the sight.

Fukuzawa, on the other hand, had an unreadable expression on his face. Only a slight blush betrayed his true thoughts. “Where did you get this photo?”

“From the letter on Ranpo’s desk, I think it’s from a “JK” or whatever. I couldn’t read it, but it did mention something about wanting you to meet her son.” Yosano explained.

“Of course you couldn’t read it. It’s JK-chan after all.” Ranpo said to Yosano before turning his attention towards the unread letter of his longtime penpal. “So, Snitch, how’s my little kohai doing?” The small ball of feathery fluff on his desk merely cheeped back in reply.

Realizing something, the blond haired man took the photo from the female doctor’s hand

‘ _…JK-chan? …A son? …Ranpo-san?_ ’ was what ran through his mind as Kunikida stared back and forth from the boy in the photo to his fellow male coworker. While the black-haired man was casually reading their mutual penpal’s latest letter, the taller detective made a startling conclusion.

“YOU BASTARD!!!!” Kunikida roared as he threw himself at Ranpo. The man’s actions startled the tiny golden bird, and it quickly darted towards the unbothered director and took shelter behind his head. The photo that Kunikida had in his possession earlier slowly fluttered to the floor at the stern-faced man’s feet.

“Get off of me! What the hell did I do?!” Ranpo shouted as he tried to pry the taller man’s hands from his collar.

“Kunikida-san? What’s gotten into you?” Yosano wasn’t shocked at Kunikida’s sudden outburst. Heaven only knows how many times the neurotic man does that on a daily basis. No, what shocked her was that he would suddenly attack his coworker with the intention to do harm.

“DON’T YOU DARE PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME!!! YOU KNOCKED HER UP, DIDN’T YOU!!!” Kunikida yelled out at the top of his voice.

A pregnant pause filled out the entire room. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

“…Pffft.” The shortest male in the room broke the tension as he dissolved into laughter. “If this is how you’re going kill me, Kunikida-san, you’re on the right track! GYAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“What’s so funny?” Kunikida said, glaring down at his intended murder victim.

“You think that… AHAHAHAHA!!! If you just read the letter you’d know that Teddy-kun here is adopted.” Ranpo gestured towards the letter still in his hand.

Snatching the paper from him, he quickly read through it. His bloodthirsty rage was quickly replaced with wave after wave of embarrassment the further he read. “Besides, what makes you think that I had sexual intercourse with JK-chan anyways?” Ranpo asked his comrade as he shoved off Kunikida’s now limp grip from his clothes.

Regaining his composure, the man replied to his comrade. “There was a case you took in Tokyo several years ago. You took your sweet time solving it. I ended up having to be the one to come and drag you back after the Director found out you got distracted by the local sweets festival a few towns over. Who knows, JK-chan had been traveling a lot at that time so you could’ve rendezvous with her.” Kunikida remembered that incident clearly based on the resulting migraine that came from it. It had taken him three whole days just to locate the agency’s wayward detective. His entire schedule in just those few days was completely destroyed beyond all reason.

“Except that I clearly remember her being nowhere near Asia while I was on that case. Belgium, to be specific. I should know because she sent over a box of some really tasty chocolates.” The self-proclaimed ability user retorted as he straightened out his clothes.

“By the way, there’s just one thing I’ve been wondering. Who is this ‘JK-chan’ all of you keep referring to?” Yosano asked.

“She’s Kunikida and Ranpo’s penpal from England.” The director of the Armed Detective Agency explained to his subordinate before turning his attention to the other males in the room. “I believe she’s currently vacationing around the world with her former schoolmates. Speaking of which, where is she now?”

“I think she’s in the Canada. Or is it Alaska?” Kunikida guessed.

“Wrong! That was 3 weeks ago. She’s been touring going around South America this whole month. By tomorrow, she’ll be in Brazil. ” Ranpo corrected him.

“That’s not right! I’m positively sure she’s somewhere up North eating pancakes with maple syrup.” Kunikida retorted.

“Oh? Prove me wrong then. I’d love to see you try.” The shorter man challenged his taller coworker.

Ignoring the bickering duo, Fukuzawa bent down to grab the forgotten picture off the floor and then looked back and forth from the still arguing Ranpo to the young child several times as if comparing the two. After that, he put it down on Ranpo’s desk then walked towards his adopted son and put his hand on the twenty-three year old’s shoulder. “Ranpo…I am arranging an omiai for you.”

Ranpo replied to his foster parent in a deadpan voice, “Over my dead body, old man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and please don't hesitate to give me feedback. (⊙ᗜ⊙)


	2. Interlude II: Entrance Exam Second Phase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: RIP!Tongue(s)

“…Um…everyone? …What is this?” Atsushi asked the people in front of him. He was seated at a table with a small empty bowl in front of him. Next to it was an unopened box filled with jelly beans. Completely surrounding his desk in a circle was his coworkers. Even the Director was there as he gave his newest subordinate him an unimposing stare.

“What does it look like? It’s your final entrance exam.” Kunikida said as he crossed his arms.

“But I thought that hostage crisis you set up was the entrance exam!” The teen protested.

“It was. But this is different. You see you may in our little club, but we’re not officially accepting you until you eat this entire box.” Ranpo said, tapping his finger on the box of flavored candy beans.

“So that’s it? I just have to eat some jelly beans.” Atsushi said, unsure if this is some sort of prank. He thought he would experience some kind of hazing, but it turned out that he just had to eat some sweets.

“Pretty much! Just dump them into the bowl and eat them one by one. Oh! You should also describe what flavor you got as well.” Kenji happily informed the older boy.

Just eat the candy and describe what you just ate. It was that simple. Maybe too simple. Atsushi took the box from the table and opened them. As he spilled them out into the bowl, he examined them carefully. They seem like any ordinary candy beans. He picked up an orange-yellow bean dotted with red spots and popped it into his mouth. Now, what’s the worst that could hap-

“…What the-? This is… T-This taste like… PIZZA?!!! HOW?!!” The eighteen year old never knew that jelly beans can come in this flavor. How the hell did they make them taste like that?

“Awww, I thought it’d be a really gross one.” Yosano pouted.

“Not everyone can start out with earwax, Yosano-sensei.” Kunikida retorted to his female coworker, earning him a bloodthirsty glare from the woman for reminding her of her own terrible experience.

“THERE’S EARWAX!!” Atsushi screeched in horror as he looked at the innocent bowl of jelly beans with newfound terror.

“Don’t worry. You might not come across it…maybe.” Tanizaki said, trying to be helpful, only to sound unsure himself.

“What is this anyways? These aren’t normal jelly beans, are they?” The pale haired teen asked nervously.

“Nope. These are Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean. And as you can see, they really do mean _every flavor_.” Ranpo informed the weretiger.

“Not only do you have your classic flavors like strawberry, banana, cherry, pear… you also get mushrooms, mashed potatoes, spinach, cheese, éclair, horseradish, and coffee among others.” Kunikida listed off.

“And then there are the really weird ones, like belly button lint, grass, dirty socks, earthworms, liver, vomit, and envelope glue!” Ranpo chimed in.

“Um…actually, I just had a really big breakfast on the way here. I’m sorry about this, but I’m going to have to pass on-” Atsushi tried to get away only to find Kenji’s surprisingly strong grip on his shoulders keeping him from moving from his chair.

“Oh no, you’re not. If I’m not allowed to get away with not eating them, you can’t either. Now open up and say ‘Itadakimasu’.” Yosano said to the now-terrified teen with a manic smile on her face.

“Besides, all of us here have done the same thing. Even the Director himself.” Kenji said with a carefree smile as though his newest coworker wasn’t about to kill off all of his taste buds.

“You too, sir?” Atsushi asked the older man.

“…My first jelly bean…tasted like dirt.” Fukuzawa gritted out. For the life of him, he couldn’t fathom how Ranpo managed to convince him to participate as well. He did not want to remember that day. Once he was finally done, the martial artist was seriously contemplating on cutting his tongue off.

“Now then…shall we continue, Atsushi-kun~?” Dazai said to his poor protégé, the menacing gleam in his eyes were not very encouraging.

Atsushi gulped as everyone’s eyes locked in on him as if daring him to give an excuse not to finish his entrance exam. With all the people surrounding his table, he can’t escape even if he wanted to. They didn’t really give him the option. Slowly selecting a bean from the bowl, he mentally prepared himself as he finally ate his second bean. He prayed to any entity listening for this ordeal to be over soon.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Fifth Bean)

“Eh, is this…alcohol?! I thought this was supposed to be a candy for kids!”

“Oh, you must’ve gotten sherry then.” Dazai commented. He himself had a bean or two like that during his own orientation. Being partnered up with Chuuya Nakahara back in his Port Mafia days for so long had given him the ability to recognize what type of alcohol by taste.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Eleventh Bean)

“What the hell? Is he crying?” Ranpo questioned with amusement.

“I’d be crying too if I ate an onion-flavored one.” Tanizaki commented with sympathy for the unfortunate individual in front of him.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Twenty-seventh Bean)

“…Did he just…burped out a bubble? Someone please tell me that really just happened.” Yosano asked her coworkers. Not sure f she should laugh or question her sanity.

“It did. I think that one might have been soap flavored or something.” Ranpo stated. Who knew candy beans could do that?

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Forty-second Bean)

“Is this…? …Oh, this tastes like roast beef.” Atsushi said. While the taste was still odd for a candy, but he at least could catch a break for a little while.

“Really! No fair, you are so lucky!” Kenji whined with a pout. Atsushi was so lucky. He loved the taste of beef!

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

“Last one, Atsushi-kun~! Congratulations, you’re almost done.” Dazai singsonged as Atsushi whimpered. The poor weretiger looked down at the final jelly bean sitting in the nearly empty bowl. The small candy bean was a golden brown color, making the pale haired boy guess what it could be. Knowing his luck, it would definitely taste like shit. Literally shit, for all he knew.

Mustering up every last ounce of courage, he took the bean in his hand and put it into his mouth.

“This is…cinnamon?” Atsushi guessed. The last candy bean wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.

“Congratulations, Atsushi-kun! You are now officially one of us!” The bandaged wearing detective cheered.

The newest recruit of the agency sighed with relief now that the hellish experience was over. But there was something that bothered him from the very beginning.

“Um…if I may ask…where did you get these jelly beans?” Atsushi asked before mentally adding, ‘ _And what kind of insane person would make this kind of horrible candy?_ ’

Everyone looked at each other and then said in unison, “JK-chan.”

“JK-chan? Who is that?” The pale haired teen asked.

“Mine and Ranpo-san’s penpal from England.” Kunikida informed him.

“She comes from a community where they make all sorts of crazy stuff like these. You’ll see when she sends her next letter. Wanna have a blood pop?” Ranpo took out a crimson colored lollipop from his pocket and waved it in Atsushi’s direction to take. Atsushi, still traumatized by the beans, is naturally wary of the candy, so he politely refused.

“You know since we’re all still on the subject of candy, why don’t we all share our last bean with Atsushi-kun. Let me start. I had a nasty one that tasted like boogers.” Dazai cheerfully provided.

“Peach for me.” Kunikida said, off-handedly, before grabbing his suicidal-advocate partner by the throat. They already wasted enough time as it is. “NOW HURRY UP AND GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY BANDAGE-WASTING IDIOT!!!”

“I was lucky enough to end with grapefruit-flavored.” Yosano said.

“My last bean was my favorite! It tasted just like beef casserole!” Kenji said, cheerfully.

“Lucky! I wanted to get honey, but all I got was curry.” Ranpo complained as he licked his lollipop.

“Onii-sama was so disappointed. His last bean was chili powder.” Naomi said as she pressed her body onto Tanizaki’s arm with a bone-crushing grip.

“On the bright side, my last bean pretty much erased all the previous flavors from my mouth. And most of my taste buds.” The Light Snow ability user said, as he tried to unsuccessfully pry his sister off of her person.

“Dog food.” Fukuzawa simply stated with a slight growl of disgust. And that was the end of that conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this scene in my mind for quite some time. While I was researching Wizarding World candies that Jasmine could have given Ranpo as a late Christmas gift, I stumbled upon Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. After I was rereading the manga for references, I thought, “Hey, why not make it a tradition for all the newbies in the agency to eat a whole box of Every Flavour Beans?” And so this was born. Basically: Atsushi + Entrance Exam + Beans = A Cinnamon Bean for a Cinnamon Roll. By the way, all the bean flavors exists in the canon!HP. I try to be THAT thorough when writing.
> 
> Itadakimasu: In case anyone wants to know, it basically means “I thank you for the food”. It’s equivalent to “bon appétit” or saying “grace” before you eat. BTW does anyone think that I was being too vague in Interlude II? I honestly tried to give hints as to which beans they had eaten for their entrance exams. If you couldn’t tell, just reread and pay close attention to their dialogues and thought processes. I hope this little hint helps.
> 
> Edited (6/19/17)


	3. Interlude III: Moon Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: Port Mafia, Luna…NuffSaid, RIP!Chuuya’sNonexistentPatience, RIP!Akutagawa’sDignity, PityThatHiguchi

When Mori Ougai, the head of Port Mafia, received an unusual report, he sent one of his executives to investigate the scene. Nakahara Chuuya, after losing a bet with his former caretaker, Ozaki Kouyou, “happily volunteered” to be the one to go.

According to the lackey who reported the situation, a woman suddenly appeared in the middle of one of their bases and started asking questions. They couldn’t do anything to her because she had a special permit that was personally given to her by the head of the Special Abilities Division. It allowed her to enter any and all ability user organization without any harm to her person.

The short red-haired was supposed to locate the intruder and escort her to the their leader. He headed towards the area where the woman was supposed to be and then stopped right in front of a closed door.

Chuuya can hear a foreign female’s voice having a debate of some sort coming inside the room. “…think Heliopaths absolutely love you. A unique Crumple-Horned Snorkack such as yourself is a very attractive beacon.”

A man’s voice retorted in reply. “I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. I just blow people up with my beloved lemon bombs. Whatever the Heriouparus are they have nothing to do with my experiments.” Was that Kajii Motojiro?

Opening the door and entering, he took in the sight before him. From the looks of it, Kajii’s legs was apparently paralyzed some invisible force. He was on his back munching on several handfuls of jelly beans with their visitor casually sitting on top of him as though he was a piece of furniture. Scattered around them was an impressive array of usual looking drinks and snacks that Chuuya was pretty sure didn’t come from Ougai’s sugar stash solely reserved for spoiling the little girl he always kept besides him. On top of which, the guards who was supposed to be patrolling the area was also sitting down and enjoying the mini-tea party. How unprofessional.

The blonde woman frowned in confusion and then shrugged. “Well, you’re not wrong… But you’re not completely right either. I suppose you-”

“OI, WOMAN!!! Are you the one who’s been bothering us, Port Mafia?” Chuuya yelled, interrupting the pair’s discussion. This causes the guards to panic at the executive’s arrival and frantically return to their posts in hopes of avoiding repercussion.

The ditzy-looking blonde turned to look at him. For a moment, recognition passed through her slivery-blue eyes. She whispered something under her breath before realization hit her and she cut herself off. She quickly got up from the still immobile Kajii and literally skipped her way towards the redhead.

Curtsying in front of him, she said in a heavily accented but airy voice. “Hello there, I’m Luna Lovegood, or as you say, Lovegood Luna. Coming to you all the way from the delightful country of England.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Our boss wants to see you so I’ll be escort.” The short mafia executive waved off her introductions.

At first glance, you would think that the woman with long wavy blonde hair and light blue eyes wouldn’t be of any threat. In fact, she looked like she has a few screws loose since with the way she acts. But every member of Port Mafia worth their salt knows that appearances can be deceiving. Just look at the Q brat! Thank Kami-sama that the little monster was sealed away.

Luna merely smiled absentmindedly. “Oh really? How convenient. By all means…oh, what was the phrase again? Ah! I remember now! Take me to your leader~”

Chuuya made a mental note to get shit-faced after this.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

“Excuse me. Just a quick question. Does the name Weasley mean anything to you?” Luna asked casually as they traveled through Port Mafia’s headquarters.

“Huh? Weezuri? No, doesn’t sound familiar. Is it some sort disease or something?” Chuuya commented.

“…No, no, it’s nothing.” She paused and continued staring at his back a little longer. “You just reminded me of someone I know. I was just wondering if you might be related in some way.”

The petite twenty year old man opened his mouth to retort but then closed it as he thought a little. “If you mean who my biological father is, then you might be right. I’m pretty much my mother’s bastard brat after a night of drunken sex.” The short executive said off-handedly.

His mother was a pureblood Japanese woman with ties to the previous generation of Port Mafia. His father, on the other hand, was some no-named foreigner she had a one-night stand with, resulting in his conception. Most of his looks came from his mother, but his red hair and blue eyes obviously came from elsewhere. Ever since he was a child, people take one look at him and can tell he was a hafu, or half-Japanese. To this day, he still doesn’t know who his sperm donor was, nor did he care to even bother finding out.

Luna then smiled at him in an enigmatic way. “…Say, just a thought here…have you ever thought about where your abilities came from?”

“How should I know? All I know is that I can control gravity at will. That’s all that matters.” Chuuya then stopped, making Luna halt as well. He turned to look back at the blonde Englishwoman suspiciously. “Why the questions? …You know something, don’t you?”

“…Weeeeelll~ perhaps I do. But it’s just a hunch. I can’t be too sure until I dig up some more information. It might take a while and I’ll need to get permission to disclose some _very_ classified stuff.” The blonde’s smile widened further and her eyes took on an unreadable glint. “If you really want to know, then tell me something in return. Have you ever heard of ‘equivalent exchange’?”

“…Let me think about it.” The tiny redhead concluded. The two then continued their journey towards Ougai’s office in silence.

After five minutes, a bored Luna broke the silence and began to ramble. “While we’re on the subject, what do you think about such an impressive Crumple-Horned Snorkack? After all they have to come from somewhere. I do wonder how that happened though since the ones I’ve seen don’t typically stray very far from their territory. Also…”

Chuuya groaned audibly and buried his face in his hands in frustration. He wished he could finish up already so he could drink away the migraine he was developing from this madwoman’s presence. Not even his old bandage wasting partner was this much of a headache to deal with, and he had known him since they were kids.

For the first time since Dazai left the organization, he actually found himself missing the suicidal bastard.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

Unfortunately, it seems that the gods of luck has it out for Nakahara Chuuya on this particular day. Of all the people they had to run into along the way, it had to be the Rabid Dog of Port Mafia himself.

The moment he walked into their view, Luna immediately pounced on him with all the grace of a smothering octopus.

“OOOOOOOOOHHHH~!! You poor, poor, poor, POOR thing~! You’ve been suffering for so long~! Who would do this to you?!” To the guards and Chuuya’s astonishment, Luna cooed over the increasingly murderous teen as if he was an abandoned fluffy kitten that’s just been kicked repeatedly by its previous owner. This insane nineteen year old had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and was forcibly snuggling her cheek against his.

“When I find out who’ve made this unfortunate Crumple-Horned Snorkack suffer so badly, I’m going to record his suffering so I can fall asleep to it every night~. Would you like a copy? It probably wouldn’t give you closure, but-”

At this point, his patience had snapped and he roughly pushed the blonde away from his person. “ENOUGH! Ability: Rashou-” Akutagawa snarled.

“Petrificus Totalus.” Luna interrupted him with a twirl of her index finger. Immediately, Akutagawa’s body seized up. His arms and legs locked up to his sides and he began to slowly fall backwards. The ditzy looking woman casually sauntered up to him and grabbed his stiff form before he hit the ground and then wrapped him up in a tight embrace. To the shock of everyone witnessing the sight, the man’s eyes were still mobile even if his body wasn’t. They were darting about furiously as if he was inwardly panicking at how helpless the woman rendered him.

“W-Wha…t…Ar-…You…Do-” He grounded out with difficulty. Normally, the Full-Body Bind Curse was supposed to also lock up his jaw to prevent the person under it from speaking. But amazingly, the teen was able to somewhat retain his ability to speak, which spoke volumes about his strength.

“You look like you needed more hugs. Here~! Let Doctor Luna give you your prescribed medicine~.” Luna chirped as she tightened her hold on the paralyzed eighteen year old.

Now if the situation was different, they would’ve laughed themselves to death. Hell, they’ll even bring out their phones to take blackmail pictures in the process. However, this was Akutagawa, Port Mafia’s most dangerous killer. Only one thought ran through everyone’s mind as they witness this extraordinary event. ‘ _WHO IN THE FUCKING SEVEN HELLS IS THIS CRAZY LADY_?!!’

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

Ougai had believed that today was just like any other routine day as the leader of Port Mafia. Some paperwork. Oversee his subordinates’ reports. Take Elise out for some sweets at that high-end café she liked. Do a bit of illegal trading here and there. More paperwork. Order the assassinations of some key figures. Dress up Elise. Even more paperwork.

Little did he know that his evening would be ruined by that seemingly unimportant single report he had previously dismissed. In hindsight, he should have at least prepared some tea and cookies for the upcoming chaos one Luna Lovegood had caused in her wake.

As the disgruntled Chuuya announced that he had brought the intruder to his office, he quickly left. The guest they had been expecting was a European woman with long wavy blonde hair and silvery-blue eyes. She was simply clad in a short rainbow sleeveless dress with purple tights. Adding on to her eccentric style was a pair of radish shaped earrings, a necklace made of cork bottles, and a pair of pink hand-shaped sunglasses perched on top of her head.

“Welcome to Port Mafia, young lady! How may I be of service to you?” Ougai said cordially to her.

His guest had come in dragging what looked like a life-sized statue with her. A second look revealed that the “statue” she carried with her was in the image of Akutagawa. A third look made him realize that the “statue” was actually alive if his frantically moving eyes and sounds of struggling escaping from his frozen mouth were anything to go by.

“…Le…go…m …kill…you…Die…woman…” Akutagawa said through clenched teeth.

“Nope~.” She said in English, popping the “p” in the word. “I’m amping up your daily treatment to cuddles.” The woman positioned his form so that she can easily hold him to her bosom. The leader of Port Mafia was impressed. Ougai could almost actually see his subordinate’s bloodlust towards the woman emitting from his frozen body. It was enough to send chills down his spine yet the woman doesn’t seem to be the least bit affected.

“Rintarou…there’s something wrong with that woman, right?” The little girl besides his desk had paused in her drawing to watch the spectacle the woman caused.

“…You know Elise-chan…I’m not so sure of the answer myself…” He said casually. A normal person would be alarmed about one of their strongest subordinates being taken down so easily by a foreigner, but not Ougai. In fact, he found himself intrigued. Was this woman perhaps an ability user? If so, what purpose did she have coming to Port Mafia of all of Japan’s organizations? Assassination attempt? A new recruit? Alliance? Whatever it was, he just has to see what it is and react accordingly.

The moment the woman laid eyes on Elise, the older blonde female slowly gasped and her eyes began to shine intensely as if she was looking at a breathtaking masterpiece. Immediately forgetting about her unfortunate victim, she was quick to abandon him where he was. Without someone supporting his still paralyzed body, Akutagawa was left to fall on his face with a resounding CRUNCH!!!

‘ _Was that his nose? No, that’s definitely his nose._ ’ Ougai thought with amusement as he examined the slowly increasing puddle of blood coming from under Akutagawa’s head. From the strangled swears and groans of pain coming from his downed subordinate, he was still conscious but absolutely pissed to kingdom come. His only thought towards the situation: making a mental note to have the stained carpet in his office replaced.

“OH, YOU’RE JUST SO ADORABLE~!” Elise was suddenly swooped up into the woman’s embrace. Her face was being rubbed against hers as she continued to coo over the little girl. “You’re so small, but so well developed! What’s your name, precious? Come on, you can tell Luna Lovegood. I won’t bite~…unless you do, of course.”

Well, at least he can say that today has been exciting.

…What was he talking about? Everyday’s exciting when you’re in Port Mafia~!

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

For nearly two months, Higuchi Ichiyo was stuck in a soul-sucking state of depression. The cause: her senpai.

During that time, her beloved Akugatawa Ryuunosuke completely avoided her. Every time he spotted her, he was quick to vacate the premise. It wasn’t just her. He did the same whenever Elise happened to be in the same vicinity as him. Since the little girl was never too far from Ougai, he was ballsy enough to risk insubordination to his boss just to avoid her.

For a while, she had no clue what could be causing this strange behavior until she heard from Tachiwara Michizo that he had been accosted by a woman with long blonde hair during one of the rare instances when she wasn’t by his side. Whatever it was that witch had done to him, no one dared to discuss it under the threat of being eaten alive by Rashoumon’s voracious maw.

Wanting to be considerate of her poor senpai’s “psychological condition”, Higuchi cut her hair to chin length and began putting her hair up in a messy bun. After a few weeks, her senpai was finally able to be in the same room as her. Within the next month afterwards, he finally said “good morning” to her one day for the first time since almost an eternity. Higuchi was not ashamed to cry tears of joy behind Akutagawa’s back afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This omake only exists because I am sadistic enough to want to use Luna as the reason why Akutagawa has an aversion to the affection of blondes. I am also sadistic enough to include Higuchi in the suffering as well. That…and I wanted Port Mafia and Luna in the picture in some way.
> 
> Hafu: Just a term in Japanese to describe someone ethnically biracial. While I’ve been reading BSD fics that has Chuuya in it, I often come across him being mentioned as half-French or with some connection to it. I guess it’s because of his appearance and love of wine so I decided to put my own spin on it. There will be a something of a sequel to this chapter featuring more of this connection so look forward to it~ 
> 
> Just a thought I’d like to put out…so I’ve been rereading Pandora Hearts……………does anyone else think that Vanessa Nightray looks a lot like Akutagawa tapping into his feminine side? …Or maybe it’s just her hairstyle and the way the characters are dressed? .....On top of that, Gilbert and Vincent Nightray seem like they could be the missing lovechildren of Dazai and Akutagawa. Their personalities and Gilbert’s character design does not help……


	4. Interlude IV: It's What Underneath That Counts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: Lingerie and a Bored!Ranpo

The moment Jasmine Katherine Potter exited Shacklebolt’s office, her friends, Fleur Delacour née Weasely and Hermione Granger, immediately pounced on the poor girl and proceeded to drag their protesting friend all the way to Paris, France for a long overdue shopping spree to replace her entire wardrobe. Starting with her underwear, which made her protest even louder out of sheer embarrassment as they dragged her to a lingerie brand store.

“You mean, you haven’t noticed? Jasmine, your breasts are more noticeable, and your hips and arse have gotten bigger.” Hermione said as she gestured to the obvious changes to her now healthy body. “Let’s be honest here, you’re going to _need_ better clothes. I am not letting my best friend go around looking like a vagabond any longer.”

“Oui! I agree with Hermione. Now put these on. I believe this bustier should fit your bust size and the color matches your eyes.” Fleur gushed at the blushing witch as she handed her the sheer lace set to try on in the changing room.

“Can’t we just stick to the usual bra and panties? Why do I have to browse through corsets and pick out which garters flatter my skin tone?” Jasmine complained. “Besides, I may have ‘curves’, but I’m still flatchested compared to most girls my age.”

“Bust size isn’t everything. You’re body can be straight as a board and no one who matters will care. What matters is flaunting what you’ve got and feel extra sexy while you’re at it.” The bushy haired witch said as she stuck a pose to prove a point. “Be proud of the body you have. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.” Behind her, the quarter-Veela voiced her agreement as she went over a rack of nighties.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

“Huh, that’s interesting.” Ranpo said as he ate his pocky while examining the recent picture Jasmine sent.

“What is it, Ranpo-san?” Kunikida asked his coworker from his work table.

The shorter detective looked at the taller man and smiled mischievously. “JK-chan’s wearing some _really sexy_ underwear for us in this picture.”

Kunikida spittakes his coffee. “WHAT??!!!” He got up and rushed towards Ranpo’s desk. Snatching the photo away from him, he yelled, “YOU IMMORAL, DISGUSTING, PERVER-

“Stop shouting in my ear! Take a look at the picture before you try to blow out my eardrums…again.” The dark haired man complained.

Forcing himself to calm down, Kunikida took a hesitant look at the photograph. Instead of a lewd shot of Jasmine in lingerie, it was simply a picture of their mutual penpal posing in front of the Eiffel Tower wearing fashionable new clothes. He had to admit though. Compared to her previous pictures, she looked more like a lovely young woman now rather than a raggedy street urchin like she had in the past.

The tall blond looked up from the photo and narrowed his eyes at his comrade in suspicion. “…Should I ask how you know that JK-chan is wearing some risqué stuff underneath her new outfit?”

“Why, my poor ignorant friend. Isn’t it obvious?” Ranpo teased his comrade. “If JK-chan’s entire wardrobe had an upgrade, then it’s not going to just be the surface. Besides, Passionata suits her much better than Bare Necessities.” In that moment, his normal arrogant smirk looked downright wicked as he took back the picture from his fellow detective.

Kunikida growled and turned back towards his desk. His schedule is now thirty-eight seconds off thanks to Ranpo’s earlier antics.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Bonus Dialogue~ Cuz I Love You Guys~)

“You know, with the way they go on and on about their penpal, you’d think they’re in love with the woman or something.”

“Nah, I just think Edogawa-san is bored and just wants to rile Kunikida-san up.”

“…Maybe…it’s just unresolved sexual tension between them?”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…Disturbingly, I think that explanation makes more sense.”

“Why do I have a feeling that the President might be arranging an omiai for the both of them someday?”

(2 years later, Teddy’s existence was introduced to the agency. 10 months later, Fukuzawa tried to get his apprentice and foster son engaged to each other. Chaos issued.)


	5. Interlude V: Entrance Exam Second Phase (Take Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: BlackHoleStomach!Kyouka, FutureShot

Kyouka stared at the objects placed in front of her, wondering what she was supposed to do with them. On the table where she sat was a carton of jelly beans and an empty bowl.

“Now that you are a member of the agency, it’s time to indoctrinate you.” Dazai said cheerfully.

“This is something of a small tradition we have for new members. You just have to eat all of the beans and describe what flavor you got.” Kunikida explained.

“…I see.” The little girl stared at the container for a bit before looking up to address the people in front of her. “So all I have to do is eat all of the beans?”

“Just put them all in that bowl so it’ll be easier to pick. Take all the time you want. There’s no rush.” Yosano encouraged as Kyouka took her advice and did as the doctor suggested.

For a whole minute, she just eyed the candy beans in the bowl with a blank expression. In one fluid move, she picked up the bowl with both hands, tilted her head back, and proceeded to dump them all of the jelly beans into her open mouth. To everyone’s shock, instead of spitting them out like they had expected, she merely chewed a few times before swallowing. All the while, the impassive expression on her face never changed in the slightest.

Everyone‘s eyes widened and their jaws dropped. An awkward paused settled onto the gobsmacked group as they slowly took in what just happened in front of them.

“D-Did…she just…?” Ranpo stuttered out after several minutes, his narrow eyes were blown wide open in astonishment.

“…The bowl and carton are really empty. And before anyone accuses me, my ability isn’t acting up.” Tanizaki brought up.

“Wow…city folks are amazing.” Kenji said, his voice, however, lack his usual cheer. From the glazed expression in his eyes, he was just as mindblowned as his coworkers.

“A-Are you…Are you feeling anything wrong, Kyouka-chan? H-How about your stomach? Does it hurt?” Atsushi fussed.

She frowned. “…My head…” The little girl mumbled as she held the sides of her temples. “…It hurts.”

“…Ah…she must’ve gotten a headache from all the flavor feedback…Saw it happened back in school.” Jasmine explained with a wince. She remembered one time Ron was paid ten Sickles by his roommate, Seamus, to eat a whole handful of the candy beans in at once. The migraine that resulted lasted almost three days. In this case, Kyouka must be in agony for at least a week, yet she showed only slight discomfort at worst. The young woman couldn’t tell whether to be impressed by her actions or pity the girl for what’s to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t really think I wouldn't write one for Kyouka, did you? (ര̀Uര́)و


	6. Interlude VI: Doppelgangers Explained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What To Expect: Kenji!MySweetSummerChild, Cameo Appearances from Finnian of Kuroshitsuji and Heiwajima Shizuo of Durarara, MoarOfDazai

“JK-chan.” Kunikida said to catch his friend’s attention. “I noticed you’ve been staring at Kenji-kun for the past 6 minutes and 53 seconds. Is there something wrong with him?”

Jasmine’s eyes had been wandering towards Kenji ever since he came down to Uzumaki café for his lunch break. Even though the café didn’t technically serve gyuudon or beef rice bowl, the young woman was nice enough to whip up one just for him.

“It’s not that there’s something wrong with him. It’s just that he seems familiar somehow.” She looked at more thoughtfully as though she trying to pick out something recognizable.

“Have you been to his hometown, Ihatov village, then? I know that you’ve traveled around Japan here and there before you settled down in Yokohama.” The man suggested as he sipped his espresso.

Jasmine shook her head. “No, I’ve never even heard of that place until now. But I used to work at a sushi restaurant in Ikebukuro about a month.” The young woman looked back at the boy again. “I wonder…”

The waitress walked towards the boy and asked, “Kenji-kun. Does the name Heiwajima Shizuo seem familiar to you?” The first time she saw the young detective using his ability, for some reason, she was instantly reminded of the young man in the bartender suit who was one of the regulars at Russia Sushi, the sushi restaurant she had worked at.

The young blond stopped eating and a thoughtful look came across his face. “Heiwajima…Shizuo?” He then shook his head before saying cheerfully, “I don’t know anyone by the name of Shizuo, but I do know the name Heiwajima. My great-grandmother’s maiden name was Heiwajima before she married my great-grandfather.”

“…So it _is_ genetic in a way…” Jasmine concluded under her breath before leaving Kenji to finish his meal.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

A week later, the café’s doors burst open to reveal the figure of a certain bushy-haired Englishwoman with a thick folder containing a multitude of documents.

“I’ve found the information you were looking for!” Hermione Weasely nee Granger proclaimed gleefully.

“Whoa there, Hermione! Slow down and relax.” Jasmine interrupted her from her place behind the counter before the other woman could start rambling. “You look like you just came across a rare book or a thick encyclopedia. Is what you found really that exciting?”

“Exciting?! That word doesn’t even come close! It’s fascinating!!! Jasmine, you’ve just discovered the reawakening of one of Ireland’s most powerful magical clans!!” The witch squealed, bouncing up to her friend and sat down at the counter.

Her fellow Englishwoman blinked. “I did?”

The bushy-haired witch nodded rapidly. “The MacCumhaill Family was _legendary_!! Their founder, Fionn mac Cumhaill, was a great warrior-wizard whose name is even cemented in Irish Muggle mythology! For centuries, his descendents have been renowned as great fighters with god-like strength, however later on, they began to die out, most likely due to pureblood inbreeding, and what few member who remain then moved to Germany to start a better life.”

Then Hermione stopped and took a deep breath. Her previously excited tone now more somber. “That move…was a big mistake. In the mid-1800s, some Muggle scientists accidently discovered their remaining squib descendents using their signature family magics. Those people kidnapped and experimented on them, hoping they can be used to create Muggle super soldiers. Eventually, they got caught years later, and the lab and all the research was destroyed, not even the test subjects survived.”

“But then…how are Shizuo-kun and Kenji-kun around if there were no survivors?” Jasmine questioned.

“I’m getting to it.” She replied. The bookwork witch leafed through her papers and picked out several documents and pictures to spread them out on the counter. “Years after the destruction of the research facility, an English wizard reported that he had witnessed a boy with golden blond hair displaying great feats of strength in a young nobleman’s gardens. They had checked to see if he was a wizard, but it turns out he was a squib whose magical pathways were artificially strengthened so he could use his latent family magic. When Ministry of Magic found out, they demanded that the nobleman to hand his servant over to them so he can sire magical children who can use the MacCumhaill signature magic.”

“WHAT?!!!” The young woman roared, outraged by her community’s disgusting violation of human rights.

Luckily, what her friend said next calmed down the other witch before she accidently took out her anger on her workplace. “Thankfully things didn’t go that way. Queen Victoria pointed out that since the boy isn’t even a wizard, he doesn’t fall under the thumb of the Wizarding World. After that, reports about him just dried up like he no longer existed. But I did manage to find out that after the death of his Lord, he moved to Japan under the advice of one of his fellow servants. I imagined he must’ve eventually married and had children later on who passed down their genes to your friends.”

Jasmine frowned. “That’s all great and all, but what does that mean for Kenji-kun and Shizuo-kun?”

“Since they’re not wizards, they can’t exactly reestablish themselves as the new MacCumhaill family as Queen Victoria’s ruling over the case still holds up to this day. However, if any of their children or even their children’s children turn out to be wizards, then they can reclaim their heritage from the British Wizarding World. The Ministry definitely wouldn’t like it, but if their heirs are Japanese citizens, then they can’t do anything about it.” Hermione pointed out.

“Oooh~, what sort of heritage are we talking about?” Dazai inquired the women with a knowing smirk on his face. The two had been so caught up in their discussion that they didn’t noticed Dazai entering the café and sitting next to them.

The bushy-haired witch shrieked and jumped up, whipping out her wand to point it threateningly at the man. “WHO ARE YOU?!!!”

“Relax Hermione.” Jasmine said soothingly as she put a hand on her friend’s hand to get her to punt down her wand. “It’s just Dazai-san. He’s a friend.”

“H-How long has he been listening?! The Statute-” Hermione said nervously.

“Doesn’t apply to him because he’s like Kenji-kun.” The young woman interrupted the other before adding, “So are the rest of his coworkers.”

The other Englishwoman relaxed before wondering, “Then how-?”

“I did the same as you did back in England, only I took a look through the Japanese archives. Turns out he’s descended from magical royalty. In other words, his seed holds the potential to make or break the royal family’s authority.”

The bushy-haired witch looked at the dark-haired witch in amazement. “So you’ve just discovered not one but two powerful reviving magical families.” Then she remembered her friend’s lackluster reaction. “Since he’s to be the father of the next ruler of Magical Japan, why aren’t you being very excited at this discovery like I am?”

“Because you’re assuming that he even lives long enough to leave behind a kid.” Jasmine deadpanned with a straight face causing the other witch to choke on her saliva at her callous comments.

“She’s right. My only goal in life is to have a double suicide with a beautiful lady.” Dazai said cheerfully. This made Hermione to look at him in concern.

The dark haired witch sighed. “Also, I fear the future of the Japanese Wizarding World if his heir were to take after him. Forget the Wizarding World, even the Muggle World will be screwed if a magical Dazai is ever born!” The young woman then walked away from them as she resumed working, leaving behind a gobsmacked witch and smug ability user.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sorry for the shameless plug-ins. 
> 
> Finnian, Heiwajima Shizuo, and Miyazawa Kenji connection: I’ll admit…I may have been mostly influenced by the reactions left behind in the comments while I’ve been rereading BSD Chapter 13 online. My personal favorite was the one person who wrote that “Shizuo and Finny had a man-baby!” and I’m just paraphrasing what the commenter said. Before I get off topic, I needed some way to connect all characters together. The problem was that Finny is of German descent in Victorian era England while both Kenji and Shizuo are in modern times. So I made him their ancestor whom they inherited their strength from. Shizuo and Kenji, on the other hand, were made to be distant cousins. While researching Finny to create a plausible backstory on why he would settle down in Japan, I found out that he was named after Fionn mac Cumhaill from the Fenian Cycle. So I took creative liberty on the Irish mythological hero, Fionn mac Cumhaill, being a powerful Irish wizard immortalized in Muggle Irish mythology. And thus I created an explanation of where their absurd super strength came from.
> 
> Dazai being royalty: Yeah, this is a headcanon that I came up to explain his ability. Don’t know how that direction goes or if it’ll ever come up again in the omakes or in the main storyline. On the other hand, I’m open to suggestions on where I can go with this. I’d love to hear about what you think about this headcanon.


	7. Interlude VII: Pity the Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect:  
> Papa!Fuku: Boys, no.  
> OverProtectiveBros!Ranpo&Kunikida: Boys, yes!  
> Jasmine: *eats gelato with her new boy toy*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Speaking.”  
> ‘Italicized-Thoughts.’  
> Italicized-Letters.

_Dear Ranpo-senpai and Kunikida-kun,_

_Italy is very beautiful this time of year. I can see why the country’s such a popular tourist destination. Hopefully this time, I can actually relax and enjoy all the landmarks while eating a bit of gelato instead of running for my life and avoid being gutted open by another one of my unwanted stalkers._

_…I try not to hate a country based on what had happened during my stay, but Norway just doesn’t hold very good memories for the time being._

_So how have things been in the agency lately? Have there been any interesting cases so far? Let me guess… Senpai is bored again because the cases he’s been taking aren’t challenging enough. Remind me to send you more of Bertie Bott’s beans next time. I doubt the foreign treats I’ve sent will last, but at least it’ll stave off your boredom for the time being. Also is Kunikida-kun running out of parchment paper? I’m already planning on sending you a few feet by Christmas. I can’t get my hands on the brand that you usually prefer this year since they’re only available in selected countries. But I did found a good substitute so expect them on your next birthday. I hope you’ll like them._

_Please give Yosano Akiko-sensei my regards. Since I’ll be in Italy until the next month, can you ask what she would like specifically for a late congratulatory gift on becoming a full member of the agency? If I remember correctly, you mentioned last time that Yosano-sensei is into shopping. I’ll be visiting Milan soon so maybe I can pick up an outfit or two there._

_P.S. Before I forget, I would like to tell you guys that I have a boyfriend now. His name is Zabini Blaise. He was a Slytherin in my year and part Italian on his mother’s side. I’ll tell you more in my next letter since our relationship is pretty recent. See you later~_

_Your friend,_

_JK-chan_

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

While sitting at his desk, Fukuzawa was playing with a litter of kittens one of their clerks found abandoned in an alley near their headquarters when, all of a sudden, the door to his office was slammed open by a certain detective with dirty blond hair.

“Kunikida, is there something wrong?” The Director of the agency asked as he and Ranpo stormed in with matching expressions on their faces. He knew that look in their eyes. There goes his evening.

“With all due respect, Director, I would like for you to give your permission for Ranpo-san and I to travel to England.” The taller of the two demanded politely.

He sighed. “Had something happened to JK-san?” ‘ _Again,_ ’ he added in his head.

“She’s perfectly fine…” Ranpo said pleasantly before going off into a rant, “…is what I would like to say if she wasn’t dating a fucking casanova! When I get my hands on that gigolo, he’s going to wish he’s never born.”

“And how will you that, Ranpo-san? Personally I highly recommending spending no more than 4 minutes and 4 seconds with this…person because 4 hours is too cruel too inhumane.” The blond man advised his coworker, referring to the fact that the number “four” in Japanese is a homophone for “death.”

“Hmm, going for maximum implications, I see. Not a bad idea.” The back-haired detective said thoughtfully. “Say, did you know, in Italy, there’s a cheese called casu marzu? You take the cheese and have flies lay eggs on it so the larvae that eat the cheese secrete enzymes that soften the cheese so it can be eaten. Why not repeat that on Zabini?” The shorter of the detective suggested with a bloodthirsty grin.

“It’ll take too long. I said 4 minutes, not 4 days. Which is why making sashimi is a way to go.” Kunikida retorted while fixing his glasses, allowing the glare of the light to give his facial features an ominous look.

“Do you even _know_ how to make sashimi?” The other man retorted. “Let’s just do it the old-fashioned way and put him in an iron-maiden.”

The taller man choked a little and whirled to his coworker. “HOW THE HELL CAN WE DO THAT? ON TOP OF WHICH, HOW THE HELL CAN WE EVEN GET AN IRON MAIDEN?!”

“JUST MAKE ONE!!” Ranpo snapped back.

“WITH WHAT, MY ABILITY?! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT IT HAS TO BE NO BIGGER THAN MY NOTEBOOK? WHY DON’T WE JUST TOSS HIM INTO THE OCEAN COVERED IN FISH GUTS AND BE DONE WITH IT?!” The blond shouted whilst shaking his beloved notebook in the other’s face.

“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR 4 MINUTE RULE?!” The shorter man complained.

As the two continued bickering, Fukuzawa let out a long-suffering groan and buried his face in his hands. “…Not again. Aren’t you two tired of asking me this. _Every. Single. Time._ this happens? You know my answer will always be, ‘No’ unless JK-san is actually asking for help this time,” the older man said over their voices.

Neither of the two men replied as they are too in depth in their debate. The founder of the agency decided to ignore the discussion on what they would do once they get their hands on the unfortunate individual and turned his attention back to the kittens on his desk.

Besides it’s almost time for them to be fed.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

Meanwhile, one Blaise Zabini was on a gondola in Venice, Italy with his new girlfriend, Jasmine Potter, has to offer. They were vacationing together in his ancestral country and were planning on enjoying everything the country where the wizard’s roots came from has to offer.

Said wizard felt an itch in his nose and couldn’t help himself. “ACHOO!”

“Blaise? Are you catching a cold?” Jasmine asked him with concern.

“Hmm, maybe. I just felt a chill run down my spine. Must be the weather changing.” Blaise said to Jasmine before thinking with a shudder, ‘ _Why do I feel like someone just stepped on my grave?_ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love it when Ranpo and Kunikida act like they’re bros. Definitely BrOTP potential, but I can’t seem to find any good fics that depict their relationship in that way. My headcanon is that because they’ve known each other for so long, Kunikida is something like that responsible little brother to Ranpo and Ranpo’s the childish big brother who can’t be left alone but they all love him anyways. 
> 
> Sadly, Jasmine and Blaise’s relationship didn’t last very long as they broke up a week later after an assassination attempt from an amateur dark wizard wanting to capitalize on the fame of taking down the Woman-Who-Conquered. While it was on relatively good terms, Jasmine couldn’t help but think how Blaise was such a coward in leaving after one attack… and it wasn’t even a really big one. In fact, it was barely considered life-threatening in her book. Good thing their relationship wasn’t very strong in the first place, otherwise Blaise wouldn’t have gotten off with just death threats from our favorite OverprotectiveBrosForJK club~ Yokohama division~
> 
> I just realized something…why do the death threats I usually come up with involve food? …I need to research more to come up with better ones…
> 
> Edited (7/20/2017)


	8. Interlude VIII: Drinking Game in Germany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to expect: Shameless Input of Hetalia, IronLiver!Jasmine

(Berlin, Two Years Ago)

“Never have I ever…had sex.” Jasmine said serenely as she cradled her pint of beer.

“BULLSHIT!!! Where’d your kid come from then?! The stork?!!!” A Danish man named Mathias Køhler accused the woman with a pointed finger.

“Correction! My _kid_ is my _godson_. Get it right, dummkopf.” The young mother retorted.

Twenty year old Jasmine had recently came to Germany with her godbrother, Neville, and his lovely fiancée, Luna. After checking into their hotel, they all decided to go check out their pubs and try out the local beer. Somehow the group ended getting dragged into someone’s _Junggesellenabschied_ or stag night as they call it in the country. Before they knew it, Neville was now rip-roaring drunk and was singing dirty limericks while on top of a nearby table with an equally drunk Luna cheering her man on. Yet throughout all this, Jasmine still remained sober…even after four pints of Doppelbock dark beer.

“Um…Never have I ever… streaked naked in public!” Tino Väinämöinen, a gentle looking Finnish man, said cheerfully.

“NEVER HAVE I EVER GOTTEN MARRIED!!!!! SUCK IT, RODDY!!!!!!!” Gilbert Beilschmidt yelled at the top of his lungs at the groom-to-be in question.

“Never have I ever had a bird as a pet.” Roderich Edelstein retaliated while glaring at his bride’s childhood friend. This caused the East German man to swear loudly as he drained his pint. Jasmine followed suit as she eyed as the man’s pet canary, narcissistly named Gilbird, flirted with her little Snitch who rebuffed his advances.

“Never have I ever wasted money on anything!” Basch Zwingli slurred as he slammed his pint on the table, causing at least half the contents to spill all over. While the guilty people in question took a drink, the young witch herself took a hearty swig at that. Hey, the Potters were wealthy nobility. She can afford to surge excessively if she wanted to.

“Never have I ever been married to a woman.” Berwald Oxenstierna said, the glare from his glasses hid the mischievous glint in his eyes as he held his giggling husband, Tino, next to him proudly.

“Are you people targeting me specifically?” Roderich complained over the chaos as he downed the rest of his pint for good measure.

“Nope. It’s just fun to pick on the man of the hour. Plus, it is _your_ bachelor party. Might as well let loose and enjoy the fun a little…while you’re still sober enough to remember to take blackmail pictures, that is.” Jasmine chimed in with a mischievous grin.

“Ohon hon hon~. Never have I ever been in anything more than a threesome~” Francis Bonnefoy asked while leering at the blushing Nordic men with a suggestive look.

“Hey, Jasmine!” Neville called out to his godsister. “I have a good one that you’ll definitely love.”

“I didn’t know that it’s allowed.” Feliciano Vargas said with a thoughtful look as he looked to his husband, Ludwig, for clarification.

“Um…technically we didn’t put up any rules so…” Matthew Williams replied timidly as he trailed off.

His brother, Alfred F. Jones, chimed in with a loud, “GIVE IT A SHOT, BRO!!”

“Never…have I ever…been sexually attracted to someone of the same sex.” The Herbologist slurred out with an evil-looking grin on his face.

Jaws dropped and the entire group fell completely silent for several minutes as they gazed at the shit-faced Englishman with a mixture of awe and horror.

“Oh Mein Gott. Just for that, I think most of us had better take _two pints_ at the least given the circumstances.” Ludwig groaned as he pitched the bridge of his nose.

“ _Just two pints_? We might as well get blackout drunk!” Antonio Fernandez Carriedo remarked cheerfully. Next to him, Gilbert was gleefully passing out armfuls of pints to practically everyone. “LAST ONE SOBER IS THE STRAIGHT MAN!!!” The Spanish man roared out gleefully as he dumped an entire pint of beer down his throat.

The men cheered loudly and immediately scrambled to be the first to get shitfaced.

“Oh dear. Looks like it’s only us British tourists that will be the ones to remain sober then.” Luna casually commented while sipping her martini.

“…But isn’t Neville already drunk off his butt.” Jasmine questioned her friend’s logic. For answer, Luna merely pointed at the rowdy men who are practically drowning themselves in barrels upon barrels of various alcohol.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Fair enough.” The young woman conceded as they sat back and enjoyed the resulting aftermath. Jasmine wondered if she had remembered to bring her camera.

⋋( ◕ V ◕ )⋌

(Present Day)

“Never try to get JK-chan drunk... EVER! Even more so if Nakahara Chuuya is in the picture. But if the situation is unavoidable…bring an army _and Dazai_! Otherwise you won’t be able to rein them in.” An exhausted and disheveled Kunikida advised his coworkers out of the blue one day.

Last night, he was unfortunate enough to stumble upon a scene where Jasmine was a giggling intoxicated mess and causing all sorts of chaos. Not only that, an equally drunk Chuuya somehow got acquainted with his friend and became her partner-in-crime. It took him the whole night to try and rein them both in even with his bandage-wearing partner’s help. Poor Kunikida didn’t even have a chance to even go home afterwards. Let alone sleep.

The tall blond man’s proclamation made everyone stop working briefly as they carefully thought over what he said.

“…Oh. But doesn’t alcohol count as a toxic substance?” Tanizaki pointed out. Since anything dangerous that enters Jasmine’s circulatory system runs through her like water, he figured it should be the same with alcohol.

“…Only in high amounts. But in JK-chan’s case, it takes _lethal of alcohol_ just to get her intoxicated. When I checked her blood alcohol content, it was already less than 0.50, and she was _still downing_ a whole bottle like it was nothing.” Normally, Kunikida would be shouting his lungs out by now, but he was too mentally and physically exhausted to muster up the extra energy to even care. “From now on, I absolutely forbid _everyone_ from giving JK-chan any and all alcoholic beverages!” He said firmly before making his way to the couches and pass out cold on them.

“Aww, JK-chan would make an excellent drinking partner. Let me guess, she brought out the Firewhiskey, didn’t she?” Yosano pouted.

Atsushi shuddered at the implications. “No offense to Kunikida-san…I’m kinda glad I wasn’t the one to come across a disturbingly creative witch and a gravity manipulator wreaking havoc in Yokohama while drunk. Aren’t they both the angry drunk types?”

“Actually, it’s 50/50 for JK-san. Depending on her mood, she either becomes a fire-breathing dragon or a complete troll. And I don’t know which one is the worst.” Ranpo remarked casually.

Jasmine’s temper was the stuff of _legends_. And he hasn’t gotten into her pedigree as a child of one of the Marauders. If Teddy can be a hellion unless he’s properly occupied, his mother is _ten-times_ worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not ashamed with this chapter~
> 
> Junggesellenabschied: The term literally means “farewell to bachelorhood”. I couldn’t resist putting in characters from the Hetalia franchise. Since I can’t put this little side plot in the story, I’ll just put it down here.
> 
> Roderich Edelstein (Austria) and Elizabeta Hédeváry (Hungary) were friends-turned-high school sweethearts who got together under an arranged marriage by their parents. They married shortly after graduation but divorced 2 years later once the requirements of their marriage were fulfilled. Roderich stayed in his home country in Austria to become a musician while Elizabeta went back to Hungary and joined her homeland’s military. After divorcing, they were finally free to fall in love with each other, and 5 years later, they got back together and decided to remarry. Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia), Elizabeta’s childhood friend, was her “maid of honor,” while Basch Zwingli (Switzerland) was chosen to be Roderich’s best man. And you can thank the latter for why everyone is celebrating at a local bar instead of a wild and crazy stag weekend in the Bahamas with scantily clad women surrounding them. He figured things will be cheaper that way if they just bought beer for everyone. Unfortunately, he made a mistake by inviting everyone in the “Germanic Family” who then proceeded to bring in their own “dates”. In other words, pretty much every Hetalia male character came and got drunk off their butts at that bar. Needless to say, Basch regretted it the next day, and it’s not because of his hangover. That scene you just witnessed was only the beginning before all the party guests came.
> 
> Edited (7/20/2017)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and please don't hesitate to give me feedback. (⊙ᗜ⊙)


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